You Can’t Always Get What You Want

These are the things I wanted.

I wanted to BQ.  I made that no secret.  I wanted to prove to myself that I could run in the 3:30’s.  I’ve been dreaming of finally putting a marathon time to my name after giving up my MCM bib 2 years ago when we were pregnant with Sage.  I wanted to feel strong miles 20 to 26.  I wanted to sprint in to the finish, fall to my knees, and weep with joy at achieving what I had worked so hard for.  Getting to Boston.

Marathons are humbling.  By mile 22, I was at rock bottom.  I never thought 4 short miles could seem so long and impossible after the hundreds I’ve logged on the road to get to that moment.  Never in my life had I ever felt so incredibly exhausted.  Every fiber of my being wanted to stop, quit, give up, sit down.  My tank was absolutely depleted.  Mile by mile I slowly shed every ounce of pride and self righteousness left in this body until what was left was a very exposed and humbled soul.

The night before the marathon I decided to take a page from Kristin Armstrong and write prayer requests on my pace band.  Every mile had a prayer assigned to it.  Some miles were requests and some were praises.  These prayers literally carried me through the hard miles.  The air was certainly thick with patriotism the morning of the 10th anniversary of 9/11, and the victims and their families weighed heavy on my heart for many quiet miles through the woods.  When I started to feel tapped out at mile 15, I remembered Brayden on my prayer list and I thought about his mother and her daily courage and trust in God’s plan for her family.  Surely I could survive another mile of hardship.  I prayed for my kids, Kevin, my sisters, my mom.  Neighbors, close friends going through hard times and even some strangers. I gave thanks over and over again for all the love and support I got from so many friends before the race.  I thought of them when I wanted to slow down.  They believed in me, I needed to believe in me!

I thanked God repeatedly for my friend Meredith who made the 4 hour trip with me to Allentown.  She’s the kind of friend who would run the last 14 miles of the marathon with you.  The kind of friend who, if in sheer exhaustion you rudely barked “water!!” would sprint up to the next water stop, fill your water, and run it back with a big smile and an encouraging word.  Do you have a friend who wants the absolute best for you? So much so that at the base of a towering, steep hill at Mile 24, at your weakest and most defeated moment, she would literally put her hand on your back and PUSH you up the hill?  I do, and I’m brought to tears all over again thinking how blessed I am for that!

Somewhere between miles 24 and 25 I realized that my all-important BQ had slipped out of my hands.  I would be mere minutes from qualifying.  But by that point I was completely okay with it. I never once, in 3 hours, 43 minutes and 3 seconds, gave up the fight.  I felt humbled and closer to God and my true self than I ever have. I learned so much about the beast of the marathon and the things I would do differently next time.  It was not at all what I went into this race wanting, but I left Allentown with the realization that every minute of the weekend was exactly what I needed.

You can’t always get what you want,
You can’t always get what you want,
And if you try sometimes, you find,
You Get What You Need.